I'm as snowed in as one can be in Washington, last night I made shortbread cookies shaped like gingerbread men and snow flakes, and I've got a full pot of coffee. Blizzards aint so bad. I just wish Erik were here instead of attempting to deliver papers. I swear he'd have better luck on a snowbord.
Also last night I found the most amazing christmas story ever, courtasy of some girl named Lindsay:
Every whore down in New York liked christmas alot,
But Rorschach, who lived in a rundown apartment,
Did Not!
Rorshach Hated Christmas, the whole Christmas season!
Now, please don't ask why, no one quite knows the reason.
It could be that his fedora wasn't screwed on quite right.
It could be, perhaps, that his trench was too tight.
But I think that the most likely reason of all,
may have been that his heart was two sizes too small.
But whatever the reason,
his heart or his trench,
he stood there on Christmas Eve, emitting a stench,
staring down from his window with a sour blotted frown
at the coked out pimp with a drug deal going down.
For he knew every New Yorker in the city below
would shout up to him "Save us!"
and he'd whisper "no."
placeholder
3 years ago
1 comment:
Want the full version?
Every whore
Down in New York
Liked Christmas a lot...
But Rorschach,
Who lived in a rundown apartment,
Did NOT!
Rorschach hated Christmas! The whole Christmas season!
Now, please don't ask why. No one quite knows the reason.
It could be that his fedora wasn't screwed on quite right.
It could be, perhaps, that his trench was too tight.
But I think that the most likely reason of all
May have been that his heart was two sizes too small.
But,
Whatever the reason,
His heart or his trench,
He stood there on Christmas Eve, emitting a stench,
Staring down from his window with a sour, blotted frown
At the coked out pimp with drug deal going down.
For he knew every New Yorker in the city below
Would shout to him, "Save us!"
And he'd whisper "No."
'And they're peddling their child pornography!' he ronched with a sneer.
'Tomorrow is Christmas! It's practically here!'
Then he growled, with his gloved fingers nervously drumming,
'I MUST find a way to keep Christmas from coming!'
For, tomorrow, he knew...
...All the filthy girls and boys
Would wake full of greed. They'd rush for their toys!
And then! Oh, the noise! Oh, the noise! Noise! Noise! Noise!
That's one thing he hated! The NOISE! NOISE! NOISE! NOISE!
Then the vermin, young and old, would sit down to a feast.
And they'd feast! And they'd feast!
And they'd FEAST! FEAST! FEAST! FEAST!
They would stuff all their faces, like a gluttonous beast
Which was something Rorschach couldn't stand in the least!
And THEN
They'd do something he liked least of all!
Every human cockroach in New York, the tall and the small,
Would stand close together, with Christmas lights beaming.
Like an abattoir of retarded children, they would all start their screaming!
They'd scream! And they'd scream!
AND they'd SCREAM! SCREAM! SCREAM! SCREAM!
And the more Rorschach thought about this whole place
He knew that it feared him, he'd seen it's true face.
'Why for fourty-five years I've put up with it now!
I MUST stop Christmas from coming!
...But HOW?'
Then he got an idea!
An awful idea!
RORSCHACH GOT A WONDERFUL, AWFUL IDEA!
I know just what to do! Rorschach hurmed in his throat.
And he made a quick Ozzymandias headband and coat.
And he SHORPed, and he LEPed, now this would be sweet!
'With this band and this cape, I'll look just like Adrian Veidt!'
'All I need is Bubastis...'
Rorschach looked around.
But since giant mutant cats are scarce, there was none to be found.
Did that stop old Rorschach...?
No! Rorschach simply said,
'If I can't find Bubastis, I'll use Daniel instead!'
So he called his friend Dan. Then he took some red thread
And he tied some big ears on top of his head.
THEN
He loaded some bags
His face in dead-pan.
On the deck of the Owl Ship
He prodded poor Dan.
Then Rorschach said, 'floor it!'
And the ship started down
Toward the homes where the scum
Lay a-snooze in their town.
All their windows were dark. The stench of fornication filled the air.
New Yorkers were all committing their sins without care
When he came to the first complex in the square.
This is stop number one, Rorschach hissed
And he climbed the fire escape, grappling gun in his fist.
Then he kicked in the door. but the lock never fought.
'Enk. Should know better than trust Gordian Knot.'
He hurmed only once, a hand placed to his face.
Then he stuck his head out to survey the place.
Where the excessively filled stockings all hung in a row.
'These stockings', he spat, 'are the first things to go!'
Then he slithered and slunk, with mumbling most unpleasant,
Around the whole room, he curb-stomped every present!
Action figures! Skin mags! Liquor of all types!
Cologne! After shave! And ball tipped glass pipes!
And he stuffed them in trash bags. Then Rorschach, very discreet,
Stuffed them out the window to fall to the street!
Then he slunk to the fridge, where he decided to hide.
Where he ate their canned beans while waiting inside.
He cleaned out that appliance, right down to the tubes.
Why, Rorschach even took their last sugar cubes!
Then he stuffed all the food out the window with glee.
'And NOW!' said Rorschach, 'I will burn down the tree!'
And Rorschach approached the tree, and he grabbed some cologne,
When he heard a small sound and saw he wasn't alone.
He turned around fast, and he saw a costumed whore.
Little Laurie-Lou Who, who was not more than thirty-four!
Rorschach had been caught by this little silk specter
Who staying at her mom's house, rushed out to protect her.
She stared at Rorschach and said, 'Ozzymanias, why,
Why are you burning our Christmas tree? WHY?'
But, you know, that old Rorschach was so smart and so slick
He thought up a lie, and he thought it up quick!
'Why, my red-headed friend', the fake Adrian stood,
'Stopping me now will do you no good.
So complaining and fighting is useless, you know.
I'd already burned it down thirty-five minutes ago.'
And his fib puzzled the woman. Then he gave her a shove.
Back towards her room, with American love.
And then Laurie left with her gift from old Ror,
Coke in a green glass bottle, the kind they don't make anymore.
Then the last thing he took
Was the gun that they had.
'No license for this. I checked. Very bad.'
Then
He did the same thing
To the other people's flats
Leaving crumbs
Much too small
For the other people's rats!
It was quarter past dawn...
When he gave them the slip
All the citizens, still a-snooze
When he packed up the ship.
Packed it up with their rabies! Their pipes with circular tips!
Was all he could do fleck foam from their lips?
Fifty feet up! On top Gunga Diner,
To burn all their filth, there could be nothing finer!
'Liberals and prostitutes!' he was Rorschach-ish-ly humming.
They're finding out now that no Christmas is coming!
'They're just waking up! I know just what they'll do!'
Their mouths will hang open a minute or two
Then all the evil of New York will all cry BOO-HOO!
'That's a noise', ronched Rorschach,
'That I'd like spread 'cross the nation.'
So he put a hand to his ear for further investigation.
And he did hear a sound rising over the snow.
It started in low. Then it started to grow...
But the sound wasn't sad!
Why, this sound sounded happy!
It couldn't be so!
The story got sappy!
He stared down at the city!
Rorschach widened his brown eyes!
Then he shook!
What he saw was a shocking surprise!
Every politician in New York, every hooker on call,
Was singing! Without any presents at all!
He HADN'T stopped Christmas from coming!
IT CAME!
Despite all the pinkies he'd fractured, it came just the same!
And Rorschach, with his booted-feet ice-cold in the snow,
Stood hurming and enking: How could it be so?
It came without debauchery, sex and bad tastes!
It came without murder foaming up about their waists!
And he hurmed for three hours, `till his hurmer was sore.
Then Rorschach thought of something he hadn't before!
Maybe Christmas, he thought, isn't something to deplore.
Maybe Christmas...perhaps...means a little bit more!
And what happened then...?
Well...in Manhattan they say
That Rorschach's small heart
Grew three sizes that day!
And the minute his heart didn't beat quite so fast,
He brought back the junk he'd stolen from the rest of the cast.
And he brought back the food! The meat and the greens!
And he...
...HE HIMSELF...!
Rorschach brought the baked beans.
Post a Comment